This article by Elizabeth Landau was published online at cnn.com. It talks about situations where it might be better to withhold information from people.
Strangers often trust Edward with their secrets, whether it be on
planes or walking down the street. He even became a confidant in one
place that he doesn't want most people to know he spent time: prison.
Edward's biggest secret
is that he is a convicted felon, having been arrested twice for driving
under the influence of alcohol. The second time, he spent 90 days behind
bars contemplating his life.
Those reflections helped
him make better life choices in the 10 years that have gone by since, he
says. But he belongs to a professional organization that would boot him
immediately if anyone there ever found out about his conviction, and he
still fears that someone in it will discover what he's hiding. Edward,
and the others who agreed to speak about their personal experiences for
this article, asked that their real names not be used to protect their
identities.
"It's not shame that's
the reason I'm holding secrets in, especially with the DUI," says
Edward, 35, who lives in the Midwest. "It's more about, I don't feel
like getting into the story again to have to explain why I'm not your
typical felon" -- a violent or sexual offender.
While he says he feels no
guilt or shame about his criminal record, he laments he can probably
never run for public office because his secret would emerge.
People keep secrets for all kinds of reasons.
Sam von Reiche, psychologist and success coach located in northern New Jersey, believes everyone has secrets to some extent.
"We all end up with some
sense internally that we've done something wrong, or that there's
something wrong about us and a little deceptive," she said. "I think
that's just part of the human condition."
Generally, says von
Reiche, "secrets do create a lot of separation from other people, and
they also prevent you from feeling truly authentic." But psychologists
say there are also situations where it might be better to withhold
information from people, even close friends, if the revelation of
secrets would cause more pain to you and others.
Abuse
Nancy, 21, is still
dealing with her feelings toward her ex-boyfriend, who physically abused
her. They were together for four months in college and then broke up --
at least, that's what Nancy's friends thought.
But secretly, Nancy went
back to him after one week. She didn't want her friends to know because
she knew they would think it was a bad idea.
"I was just convinced that he was going to change, and it was my fault," she said.
But he didn't change.
Three months later, Nancy's relationship ended when, she says, she had
to call the police because of his abuse.
Nancy, who also lives in
the Midwest, has seen a therapist, but secretly longs for her ex
despite the abuse. She found a website called
Secret Regrets where people can anonymously share situations that no one knows about.
"I regret not being able
to let you go," Nancy wrote in a post. "I came back to you for the
second time when I knew exactly what was going to happen."
Kevin Hansen, who
founded Secret Regrets, has collected about 25,000 confessions from
people who are hiding something from a lot of people. The sentiment
among many of them, he says, is "nobody else could possibly understand
what I'm going through, so I'm not going to tell anyone." Anonymity makes it more comfortable.
Hansen "has always been
passionate about helping people," according to the website. He studied
psychology and human behavior while earning a business degree, "and now,
he's discovered an amazing way to reach people struggling with the
biggest regrets of their lives, and connect them with others who know
what they're going through."
The feedback from other
anonymous users has helped, Nancy said. Some of the messages said things
such as "you got out a lot sooner than me."
Anyone who has secrets about abuse should seek professional help, says
Bobbie McDonald,
a psychologist in Newport Beach, California. Revealing details of an
ongoing situation can be risky, as an abuser's behavior can be
unpredictable. A counselor, psychologist or expert at a
hotline can help put the person in touch with the right resources.
Abortion
Irene, 23, found out she
was pregnant in August 2009. Her boyfriend at that time didn't want her
to keep the child. Initially she wanted to go forward with the
pregnancy, though she later changed her mind.
Irene, who lives in the
South, didn't tell anyone in her family about the pregnancy until after
the fact. Her mother didn't speak to her for two weeks, but eventually
calmed down, she said.
Everyone she has told
has been supportive about it, but it's not something she shares with
everyone. Her grandparents, for instance, still don't know. Like Nancy,
she found support on the Secret Regrets website, where women in their
60s tell her things will get easier with time.
The pregnancy and
abortion used to be a source of shame, and Irene used to cry about it a
lot. These days, she is able to tell herself that she made the right
decision. She was able to finish school and move on from a dysfunctional
relationship with her former boyfriend.
"Self-forgiveness is
always critical to helping someone move past whatever secret that is,"
von Reiche said. She sometimes gives clients take-home exercises --
write down 15 reasons that you forgive yourself, for example.
Lifestyle choices
The skeletons that
Rachel keeps in her closet are actually costumes. Tucked away in her
studio apartment are a wolf's head and a full leopard outfit.
Rachel, 26, doesn't want her co-workers to know that she's a "furry."
Portrayals in popular
culture may suggest the furry movement is about having sex in animal
costumes, but for some people that's not part of it at all, she said.
Individuals may define
"furry" differently, but in Rachel's view, furry fandom consists of
people who enjoy cartooning, fantasy and humanized creatures. It's a way
of identifying yourself through animal characteristics, she said, and
some furries just appreciate the artwork.
Rachel herself lives in
the Midwest and is an artist on the side, drawing humanized animal
characters. She particularly identifies with the hyena that she draws a
lot.
As much as she enjoys
going to furry conventions, she tries to keep that under wraps at work.
She's a manager at a Web software company and wants to maintain a
certain level of professionalism.
"If people knew I had
this whimsical side that likes to dress up and goof off, and that I draw
cartoons in my spare time, that might seem kind of off-kilter," she
said.
It's important for
people to be comfortable and confident with all parts of themselves,
McDonald says. But there are situations where revealing part of your
identity would do more harm than good.
"It can be unhealthy to
reveal certain parts of ourselves if there are people close to us that
would be very unaccepting of it, because of the pain and the separation
that that would cause to reveal that," McDonald said.
Affairs
"My biggest regret is
that I ever started cheating on my husband," says a post on the Secret
Regrets site. "Every time I do it, I say it's the last time, but it
never is. I don't know how to stop, and I feel so guilty about it."
It's a secret that psychologists often hear -- that someone has cheated on a spouse.
If it's a one-time
transgression -- perhaps a fling on a business trip -- it might be worth
keeping that a secret from your partner, said
Karen Sherman, a psychologist in Long Island, New York.
Some therapists might
say honesty is important if there is to be healing in the relationship,
Sherman said. But her own view is that it depends on the individual
case. "Sometimes there really is more damage caused by telling it," she
said.
However, if you're
involved in an ongoing affair and living a duplicitous life, you should
end one relationship or the other, McDonald said. "I think it's
important to really take the time to introspectively look at all aspects
of your situation."
The purpose of secrets
Shame, fear of embarrassment or fear of not being accepted often are the motivation behind keeping something secret.
But the anxiety that
comes with some secrets isn't entirely bad, von Reiche said. Like
nausea, "anxiety is your mind's way of telling you that something you
are carrying needs to be purged," she said.
In other words, you may
feel better if you get it out in a safe place, such as by confiding in a
trusted friend, family member, community leader or mental health
professional.
Therapists will keep
your secrets except under certain conditions, such as if you are
endangering yourself or others -- that's mandated by federal and state
laws. If you are having suicidal thoughts, this is not a secret you
should be alone with. Call the
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.
But the main message in
many of these scenarios is that you should weigh the consequences --
both to you and someone else. Think about whom you tell, how that person
will react and whether you will both be better off.
"If the world were ready
to be accepting of everyone, it would be a better place," McDonald
said. "In an ideal society, we would have no secrets. Do I think that's
likely in your lifetime or my lifetime? No."
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